Refining Marriage

This oft-quoted line is given as a piece of marital advice to those who are in a struggling marriage. It is usually well-intentioned friends or family, but is more destructive and misguided than you would think. Why do we, particularly Americans, put so much stock in “being happy”? Does it profit us anything? Does it bring safety, security, wealth, love? Of course, everyone wants to be happy, and has a built-in desire for contentment and peace. But fill that inner longing with a mate at your own risk.

Happiness is fleeting, and what satisfies today will not be sufficient tomorrow. Take your favorite millionaire, or even billionaire…they often die in want. It’s never enough. The same is true in a spouse. Marital combatants often throw out the argument that their spouse has changed, they are no longer the person they fell in love with. Change in a person is inevitable, and if your spouse never changed, then the argument would be that there is no growth or maturity.

The truth is, what has most likely changed is your feelings of affection for each other. The fire has gone from a roaring passion to a smoldering bed of coals. We have developed whole industries on listening to our feelings, following our hearts. In a marriage covenant, this is a ticking time bomb. Feelings of passion, enthusiasm, romance, etc. are an exciting part of marriage, especially at the beginning. However, they should not form the foundation upon which you build your marriage.

Marriage is a covenant of unconditional promises. The love required to sustain a marriage, is the Biblical version:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

- 1 Corinthians 13

Most of us have heard this passage, many of us even had it quoted at our own weddings. Yet, most people do not subscribe to it as a literal definition, but more as an outward expression of how we felt toward each other at the time. We will not perform it perfectly, but would do well to re-examine how we measure up to each attribute. Your marriage will be stronger for it.

Welcome to Refining Marriage, a blog intended to provide help to married people. Getting married is one of the biggest events in a person’s life, yet it can bring such heartache and desolation. Just as there is order in the universe, and often times right and wrong ways to go about something, there are right and wrong ways to look at marriage. When a husband and wife base their marriage on a shaky foundation, then that foundation will crack and crumble over the weight that the years add.

As I read forums on the subject, it’s painfully clear that so many people are blindly navigating these waters, grasping at whatever advice they receive that sounds decent. Marriage can be a burden that siphons away the joy from your life, or it can be a pillar of strength that builds your character and brings true contentment and stability.

I firmly believe that to have a healthy marriage, husband and wife have to apply the concepts and principles found in the Bible. This is truly the foundation of a great marriage. If your marriage is grounded on the love you feel for each other, then that house will not stand when those feelings change. Sure, many people have functional marriages, and may even enjoy parts of it and still have feelings for each other. In general, however, it is not a marriage that brings joy and contentment with life. It either adds stress to life, or both spouses learn to just stay busy enough that the only time they spend together is on weekend getaways to reconnect.

God is the author of marriage, and His Word tells us how to have true joy and peace, in spite of a life filled with difficulty and stress. You can choose to blow it off as an ancient collection of stories written by people who didn’t know all the “chemistry” behind attraction and “love”. Or, you can take a step toward refining your marriage, and begin to discover, like I did, that there really is something to the Wisdom of Biblical principles.