Refining Marriage

You may be shocked to hear this, but the opposite of biblical love is not hate, it’s apathy.  That is taken from the great book by Gary Thomas, “Sacred Marriage”, and it is so true.  I’m betting it’s a relatively low number of married people who truly hate their spouse.  However, how many of us have found ourselves just surviving a marriage, apathetic to any needs or desires of our spouse?  We believe that if we are civil, go through the required motions at the right time, and never say anything cruel to their face, then we are doing our duty and being a good spouse.  Well, I guess it’s better than splitting up, but it’s not a biblical marriage.

Marriage should be an active, not passive, relationship.  It is so easy to just put things in auto-pilot.  If there isn’t confrontation, then we get lulled into this false sense that things are good, but then time ticks by, years pass, and one of you wakes up and comes forward with one of these classics: “we’re just roommates”, “the magic is gone”, or “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

It’s largely due to the way families operate today.  One or both spouses work away from the home.  Work is mentally draining, but most likely not physically challenging.  This builds stress.  Mom and Dad race to the kids’ games or practices, scarf down some dinner, veg in front of the TV for a bit, and then crash for a short night of sleep…hardly speaking a word with any depth or true concern.  It’s no wonder we find it hard to stay connected to our spouse.

In this day and age, a husband must carefully consider and plan out how he will lead, nurture, and communicate with his wife.  Work is good, but it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to pour all your energy into a job that can let you go at the drop of a hat.  Exercising is important, but if you’re spending more time caring for your own body over your wife, then you should consider Ephesians 5.  Hobbies and friends are fun, but are you neglecting your responsibilities at home?

We can sum it up, as is often the case, by asking how self-focused you are.  The Bible calls us to put others ahead of ourselves, and first and foremost to receive that treatment should be our spouse.  We should strive to always be moving toward our spouse, not looking for ways to avoid each other.  Look for opportunities to engage one another, work through difficulty, and encourage each other.  There was a time early in your relationship when this was not a difficult thing, because your self-focus was low.  Now is the time to put your focus back on your spouse.

I heard a really interesting sermon from Andy Stanley this morning on my way to work. The part that was intriguing was how he used Philippians 2:3-4 and applied it to marriage, instead of to the church as a whole. Of course, that makes perfect sense.

Philippians 2:3-4

3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

One point he made is how competitive a married couple can get, and how it can become second nature to tear one another down…either to each others’ faces or to their friends.  This is pure selfishness and conceit.  We should look for opportunities to lift up our spouse, encourage each other, and honor each other when we are apart.

If we truly see our spouse through the lens of humility, which is such a foundational point of everything Jesus taught, we will have no room to be critical of our spouse.  We should look to make our spouse’s interests more important than our own, and to put their desires ahead of ourselves.  Do this, and you won’t only have a godly marriage, you’ll have a happy and peaceful marriage.

I’ve discussed the husband’s role as outlined in Ephesians 5: 25 – 33.  So, now maybe it’s safe to talk about the wife’s role as defined by Paul in the preceding verses, Ephesians 5:22 – 24:

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

It is interesting that Paul addresses women first, and so begins his comparison of marriage to Christ and the church.  My pastor’s wife has been quoted as saying something along the lines of “if submitting to my husband was easy, then the Bible wouldn’t have to repeatedly tell me to do it.”  Similar to citizens submitting to an imperfect legal system, it is difficult to submit to an imperfect and sinful man.  This is especially true in a culture that preaches equality in all roles, and sees the Bible as outdated and prehistoric.  And coming from that world view and from an unbelieving perspective, I can’t argue with them.

From a Biblical view, however, you really can’t deny the establishment of the man as the designated leader without dismantling the text and making excuses or cultural exclusions to Scripture.  It is equally dangerous to take these few verses out of context, and especially without regard to the next section regarding husbands.  This passage also doesn’t take into account who the better or more natural leader would be, but declares the husband as the head regardless of talent, skill, experience, or ambition.

Why would God design it this way?  Short answer is only God knows?  Typically in the Bible, when someone asks God a why question, they get a response like Job got in Job 38:2 – “Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?”  We cannot begin to understand his ways and his purposes, but we can know that living according to his design pleases him.  We tend to think of submission in a negative light, often having a picture of a battered slave of a wife waiting hand and foot on her demanding master.  I can promise you that is not God’s design.  When a wife submits to the loving leadership of her husband who is trying his best to emulate Christ, it is a beautiful thing.  It also is a relationship that works well, brings peace, and provides the optimal environment for raising godly children.  It is a leadership that welcomes input from his wife, and then acts decisively, not being passive, silent, or secretive.  Communication is key.  If the wife knows that the husband is actively leading, it makes submission a lot easier.  If there is doubt there, she will become nervous and be tempted to take the reigns.

As is proven true in all facets of life, God’s design for marriage is perfect.  We have introduced sin and selfishness into that design, and need to struggle daily to overcome that.

Final post in the discussion on a husband’s role in light of Ephesians 5: 25 – 33:

What does “feed and care for” look like in reality?  It is not a total denial of feeding and caring for yourself, but rather a requirement to do the same for your wife.  Paul puts it another way in Philippians 2:4 – “do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (NASB).  There are many ways we care for our own bodies.  Obviously, food is one, exercise, entertainment, pleasure, rest, relaxation, etc.  The way we stray from caring for our wives in this way, is when we put our own “needs” above that of our wives.  “Oh, she can take care of the kids tonight; I’ve had a hard day”.  Some reasons are even valid, but just misplaced: you need to exercise, so leave her to clean up or get the kids to bed.  Often a husband’s sexual advances, while definitely allowed and encouraged in a healthy marriage, can be done selfishly and without consideration of his wife.

All of this feeding and caring should not be done as an exchange of favors to satisfy each other’s perceived needs, but rather in the spirit of “making her holy, cleansing her…”  Our goal is not to keep her (or ourselves) happy, but to make us both better servants of Jesus Christ, set apart for his good work.  Ask yourself what needs do you have really?  What needs did Christ have as a man?  Again we can refer to Paul in 1 Tim. 6:8 – “But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.” (NIV)

Paul’s quotation of Genesis here in Ephesians (above) is an important one.  From creation of the first man and woman, the design was that the two would join together and become one.  This is a supernatural joining, that cannot be separated without much destruction to both.  You cannot neglect one part of your body and still be healthy.  In the same way, you cannot neglect your wife and expect to have a healthy marriage.  It may not be an easy habit to form, but we need to get better at always considering how we can nourish our wives and encourage their spiritual growth.

What is the relevance or importance of the analogy of marriage to Christ and the church?  It is hugely relevant and hugely important.  This is the reason God hates divorce.  The enemy loves destroying marriages, because it confuses and blurs the beautiful picture of the church as the bride and Christ as the bridegroom.  We can become cynical or shrug it off as just being nice imagery, instead of it adding clarity and perspective to our walk as believers.  He is our perfect lover, who will never leave us or forsake us…and this in spite of our own unfaithfulness to him.  He is also our provider, protector, and leader.  It is our daunting but vital responsibility to emulate his perfection in our marriages.

Continuing the discussion on a husband’s role in light of Ephesians 5: 25 – 33:

Many times as Christians we read a passage, even feel conviction, but applying that to reality can be tough.  What does it look like day to day in dealing with our wives to “wash her with the word”?  How do I “feed and care” for my wife? It makes her sound like a cute little furry animal.  As is often the case in Scripture, we look to surrounding verses for support.

How does a husband “wash with the word”?  Jesus did this for his bride, the church, in his teachings, his instructions, his physical service and healings, and of course in his death.  He did these things with an eternal perspective however.  He healed the paralytic so that they would know he had authority to forgive sins (Mark 2:10), not merely because he felt sorry for the man.  He washed his disciples; feet so they would mimic his act of service, not just so they would have clean feet for supper (John 13).  So we, in our service and care for our wives, do it with an eternal perspective.  How can I show love, encouragement, and appreciation to my wife in order to bring her closer to God?  My goal shouldn’t be to make her happy so she’ll stay off my case, or let me take the boat out.  My purpose should be how I can make it easier for her to glorify and honor God in her service, keeping in mind we are “one flesh” and both serving God as one.

Some will say you need to have a devotional together or a prayer time every night when you go to bed.  Others will say you need to have a date night once a week.  These are all fine things and every couple should determine for themselves what kinds of things work well for them.  I don’t subscribe to the theory that if you just do this or that, then you’ll have a great marriage.  I think it is a change that happens from the heart and is applied to all areas of your life.  For example, you equip yourself in the study of the Word, so that when your wife is struggling or frustrated with something, you are ready to provide examples of Scripture that may be helpful.  You be confident in God’s promises to provide the basics, and in doing so become a rock for her in times of want.  You be the one to be faithful in your devotional and prayer, leading the family spiritually, and it will encourage her to do the same.

So, “washing with the word” to me sounds like a daily, continual process where you saturate her in Scripture both by word and by example.  Err on the side of “by example”, so as not to become one who appears to be trying to take the speck out of her eye while not seeing the log in your own eye.  Don’t nag her with biblical commands, but rather lead, encourage, and always love graciously.  And know that this is an ongoing process that you will have to learn in a spirit of humility.

Final post to come…

One of the most direct passages on being a husband is Ephesians 5: 25 – 33:

We husbands tend to read this and get stuck on one of a couple points.  One is “gave himself up for her”.  We puff our chest and proclaim that if anyone ever came into our house we’d die to save our wives, and rightfully so.  However, I think that doesn’t go far enough given the context surrounding that statement.  The other point we focus on is in our providing for our families.  We like to think that going to work every day and bring home the bacon as it were is some kind of giving up of ourselves for her.  That we sacrifice in that way so she can have a new couch and nice clothes.  These things are not bad things, and obviously that is part of our responsibility, but it only scratches the surface of fulfilling our role as defined in this passage.

Much of the surrounding text talks about service – Christ’s giving of himself and purifying us through his word, how the husband feeds and cares for his own body, and how these concepts apply to his responsibilities to his wife.  So, taking a bullet for your wife is one thing, giving up yourself to a lifetime of service to your wife is something else altogether.  We should feed care for our wives, just as we look after our own bodies.  Obviously this is more than just the physical; this implies (given the reference to Christ and the church) a spiritual nourishing as well, with the ultimate goal being purification.

We should not do these things conditionally, or with any expectation of returned favors from our wives.  Just as Christ does not conditionally love the church, and he did not only give himself up for her as long as we are blameless, neither should we only fulfill our responsibilities as husbands if our wives treat us a certain way.

More to come on this…

I was reading a thread in a marriage forum last night, and it really amazes me how so many people enter into marriage casually and blindly.  I can relate.  I wouldn’t say I entered it casually, but I just didn’t have a clue at the time what it would take to sustain a healthy marriage.

On the forum though, this guy, after one year of marriage, starts by saying “I love my wife with all I have”.  He goes on to say how his wife is needy, OCD, and lazy, that she never cleans house or keeps up with her responsibilities.  He says when they fight they really go at it, yelling and with such intensity that they are “ready to slam each other against the wall”.  Finally, he finishes with how he’s living his own “personal hell” and how he’s had to give up all these hobbies and interests for “THIS”.  He advises others to not have children until they are “sure of each other personalities”, and “It’s great to have kids…but the way they zap your independence, sexual intimacy, free time, ambitious endeavors, and sleep in general is not healthy for the man who wishes he could live life a bit more.”

So, I’m thinking to myself, what possible advice can I give this guy? Then it hit me, save the grace of God, there is no hope for him.  He has totally been given over to selfishness and sin.  Most people can at least be a little self-less when it comes to their kids, but even that is too constricting for his big ambition.  Why did he ever get married?

To anyone reading this who is considering marriage, realize that marriage is a life-altering commitment.  You cease to be yourself and you become one person with your spouse.  So, if you are so ambitious and independent that you will be a caged animal, then don’t get married.  Paul even suggested this, but for the purpose of serving in ministry, not serving yourself.  Biblically, this means you shouldn’t be having sex either, but that’s another topic for another day.  Don’t just enter marriage to justify your sexual appetite. Nor should you do it to increase the ante and keep your partner from growing frustrated at your lack of commitment.  Marriage will only complicate an already troubled situation.

To anyone reading this thinking “that’s me”.  God help you.  Pray right now that he will remove the blinders from your eyes and give you a spirit of humility.  Is being independent and living for yourself really all it’s cracked up to be? Think in an eternal perspective, what is all this “ambition” and “freedom” going to get you?  You will never be satisfied and will live your life always searching and seeking, creating a wake of destruction in your path.  One day, you will wake up at an old age and wonder what it was all for and if there is any real purpose in life.  Consider the joy of loving and serving others…selflessly.

When confronted with conflict in marriage, our first reaction, especially as men, is to defend ourselves.  We reason, plead our case, present evidence why she should not be hurt or upset, all to no avail.  The truth is, logical or not, she is hurt or upset, and all the logic in the world will not “fix” her.

I would go so far as to say that in most cases, it doesn’t even matter if you are right in your defense.  Leading with a defense sends a message of “you’re wrong to feel this way.”  I’m not suggesting you roll over and play dead, or that you lie if accused of something you didn’t do.  It’s more of a question of attitude.

For example, she throws out the often-heard “we’re just roommates” argument, meaning I’m bored with this butler and maid marriage.  Immediately, a flood of reasons why this can’t be so come to your mind, and you rattle off all the things the two of you have done recently or maybe reasons why there hasn’t been time or money to get away.

Another example, she doesn’t like the idea of you having so many female friends on Facebook, and you seem to talk to them more than her.  Well, this is absurd.  After all, you provide for her, share the same bed, give the kids baths, and took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese on Saturday to give her a break.

The examples could be any mix of things from the miniscule to very serious.  Even still, try leading with an attitude of grace, love, and compassion first, mix in your defense, but focus more on your concern that she is troubled.  A great biblical example of responding with grace is from the Song of Solomon, chapter 5.  Solomon comes knocking on his wife’s chamber and she replies with “I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?”  Instead of getting all upset and lashing out or storming off, he places myrrh on the bolt.  This display of tenderness and love, works to arouse her.

“Honey, I’m home!”  Hat goes on the hook, briefcase on the floor, keys on the table, and butt on the sofa.  Ahhh…home at last.  What I could use now is a cold drink and a newspaper to unwind from the stresses of the day while the wife gets dinner on the table.

Clearly, this is a picture more applicable to 20 years ago, and in today’s world of dual income families it definitely takes on a different form.  However, the basic concept is the “what about me” attitude, where one exhausted spouse claims a right to come home and retreat to solitude, while the other is required to serve the needs of the family.

One lesson I had to learn (with plenty of room for improvement!) is that it’s not so much that my wife needs constant help and wants me to wait on her hand and foot, rather it’s that she wants to know she is appreciated.  Sometimes, a simple “what can I do to help?” will send a message that you see how hard she is working and that you care enough about her to offer to help.  She may not even have anything for you to do at that moment, but maybe what’s really needed is just the adult interaction after listening to kid-chatter all day.  Chances are, there was probably a time in your relationship when all you wanted to do was be around her.

It’s a worn-out argument, but often it really is more draining to be a stay-at-home mom than it is to go to an office or job all day.  At a job, there are friends, support, breaks, rewards, drama, excitement, team involvement, etc.  At home, it’s typically just her “against” the kids, and the little birdies are constantly chirping and needing. 

Regardless, it doesn’t really matter whose job is more difficult.  Truth is, life is hard and there’s a reason the Bible is constantly teaching on perseverance, faith, contentment, etc.  It’s a struggle.  There’s also a reason God said “it is not good for man to be alone.”  We can compliment each other greatly, and ease the burdens we carry, but only if we work together to truly love each other selflessly.  Yes, maybe it requires more of you physically to come home from a frustrating commute and not sit on your butt, however, the rewards in building a better marriage are greater and last longer than your 15 minutes of “decompression”.

Today’s post is directed more at the self-proclaimed Christian.  It can apply to all, but if you don’t subscribe to the principles of the Bible, then it will seem like foolishness to you.

It should be obvious to us that marital issues arise from sin, and from an inaccurate perspective.  We hear conflicting messages all around us: media, “experts”, friends, family, even in Christian circles. The latest trend in churches seems to be a Christian sexual revolution…that some how if you have an active sex life in your marriage, then you will magically have a good marriage.  That seems to be putting the cart before the horse, and doesn’t line up with the whole of Scripture.

If you are struggling in your marriage, take a look at yourself.  This is not to say your spouse has no room for improvement.  However, even if you are the victim of infidelity (for example) and did nothing wrong, the only person you can truly change is yourself.  Trying to change your spouse will only bring more frustration and conflict.

Things to consider:

1. Upon whom do you rely for joy? Do you find that you are on an emotional roller coaster?  When you and your spouse are getting along, then you feel good, but when things are bad, all hope is gone.  Paul talks about contentment, and I think it’s safe to say he wasn’t always comfortable or satisfied with his situation.  Some how, Paul found a way to be content in all circumstances, even in prison.  That tells me that joy and contentment need to be grounded in something unchangeable.  Paul had an eternal perspective, and no matter what any man did to him, he was content with the fact that one day he would be united with his Savior.  In our bumper sticker world, it’s easy to get cynical.  What does this look like in practice?  It means when your spouse annoys you, gets angry, is selfish, or if you’re just not in the mood to be cordial, you consider the grace God has shown you in paying your debt for sin.  You don’t have to be fake-happy and pretend life is perfect, but it will ground you and give you a perspective that enables you to endure the situation.  You show grace and love, because you have been shown grace and love by God.
2. What do we deserve, really? What does God owe us, and what kind of demands can we put on Him?  When put this way, it’s pretty easy to say “nothing”.  But when we complain about our circumstances, we are no different than the Israelites complaining about manna in the desert.  Are we, as Paul says in Romans, the clay talking back to the potter?  Or as in Job, were we there when God laid the earth’s foundation?  God has been infinitely gracious to us in providing a means for forgiveness.  “If we have food and clothing, we [should be] content with that” (1 Tim 6:8).  View your marriage, your expectations, your “needs”, and your spouse through the lens of our true condition before God.
3. Purify yourself. If you are struggling with addictions or distractions, find a way to rid yourself of them.  Addictions are fairly obvious ~ pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc.  Distractions would include working too much, friends taking priority over your spouse, TV, excessive exercise to the detriment of your marriage, spending money or shopping, or anything that provides a regular escape from the burden of your marriage.  Each of these only compounds the problem and drives a deeper wedge between you and your spouse.  They are escalating in nature because they do not fill the void inside that can only be filled by Christ; they only work to numb it for a little while.  Get help. Find other believers who will help you be accountable.

Even as I write this, it convicts me.  We can all stand to improve, to renew our minds each day.  Thank God for his grace, then let that motivate you to become more like Christ, and also to show the same grace to your spouse.