Refining Marriage

You may be shocked to hear this, but the opposite of biblical love is not hate, it’s apathy.  That is taken from the great book by Gary Thomas, “Sacred Marriage”, and it is so true.  I’m betting it’s a relatively low number of married people who truly hate their spouse.  However, how many of us have found ourselves just surviving a marriage, apathetic to any needs or desires of our spouse?  We believe that if we are civil, go through the required motions at the right time, and never say anything cruel to their face, then we are doing our duty and being a good spouse.  Well, I guess it’s better than splitting up, but it’s not a biblical marriage.

Marriage should be an active, not passive, relationship.  It is so easy to just put things in auto-pilot.  If there isn’t confrontation, then we get lulled into this false sense that things are good, but then time ticks by, years pass, and one of you wakes up and comes forward with one of these classics: “we’re just roommates”, “the magic is gone”, or “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

It’s largely due to the way families operate today.  One or both spouses work away from the home.  Work is mentally draining, but most likely not physically challenging.  This builds stress.  Mom and Dad race to the kids’ games or practices, scarf down some dinner, veg in front of the TV for a bit, and then crash for a short night of sleep…hardly speaking a word with any depth or true concern.  It’s no wonder we find it hard to stay connected to our spouse.

In this day and age, a husband must carefully consider and plan out how he will lead, nurture, and communicate with his wife.  Work is good, but it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to pour all your energy into a job that can let you go at the drop of a hat.  Exercising is important, but if you’re spending more time caring for your own body over your wife, then you should consider Ephesians 5.  Hobbies and friends are fun, but are you neglecting your responsibilities at home?

We can sum it up, as is often the case, by asking how self-focused you are.  The Bible calls us to put others ahead of ourselves, and first and foremost to receive that treatment should be our spouse.  We should strive to always be moving toward our spouse, not looking for ways to avoid each other.  Look for opportunities to engage one another, work through difficulty, and encourage each other.  There was a time early in your relationship when this was not a difficult thing, because your self-focus was low.  Now is the time to put your focus back on your spouse.

I heard a really interesting sermon from Andy Stanley this morning on my way to work. The part that was intriguing was how he used Philippians 2:3-4 and applied it to marriage, instead of to the church as a whole. Of course, that makes perfect sense.

Philippians 2:3-4

3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

One point he made is how competitive a married couple can get, and how it can become second nature to tear one another down…either to each others’ faces or to their friends.  This is pure selfishness and conceit.  We should look for opportunities to lift up our spouse, encourage each other, and honor each other when we are apart.

If we truly see our spouse through the lens of humility, which is such a foundational point of everything Jesus taught, we will have no room to be critical of our spouse.  We should look to make our spouse’s interests more important than our own, and to put their desires ahead of ourselves.  Do this, and you won’t only have a godly marriage, you’ll have a happy and peaceful marriage.