Refining Marriage

I’ve discussed the husband’s role as outlined in Ephesians 5: 25 – 33.  So, now maybe it’s safe to talk about the wife’s role as defined by Paul in the preceding verses, Ephesians 5:22 – 24:

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

It is interesting that Paul addresses women first, and so begins his comparison of marriage to Christ and the church.  My pastor’s wife has been quoted as saying something along the lines of “if submitting to my husband was easy, then the Bible wouldn’t have to repeatedly tell me to do it.”  Similar to citizens submitting to an imperfect legal system, it is difficult to submit to an imperfect and sinful man.  This is especially true in a culture that preaches equality in all roles, and sees the Bible as outdated and prehistoric.  And coming from that world view and from an unbelieving perspective, I can’t argue with them.

From a Biblical view, however, you really can’t deny the establishment of the man as the designated leader without dismantling the text and making excuses or cultural exclusions to Scripture.  It is equally dangerous to take these few verses out of context, and especially without regard to the next section regarding husbands.  This passage also doesn’t take into account who the better or more natural leader would be, but declares the husband as the head regardless of talent, skill, experience, or ambition.

Why would God design it this way?  Short answer is only God knows?  Typically in the Bible, when someone asks God a why question, they get a response like Job got in Job 38:2 – “Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?”  We cannot begin to understand his ways and his purposes, but we can know that living according to his design pleases him.  We tend to think of submission in a negative light, often having a picture of a battered slave of a wife waiting hand and foot on her demanding master.  I can promise you that is not God’s design.  When a wife submits to the loving leadership of her husband who is trying his best to emulate Christ, it is a beautiful thing.  It also is a relationship that works well, brings peace, and provides the optimal environment for raising godly children.  It is a leadership that welcomes input from his wife, and then acts decisively, not being passive, silent, or secretive.  Communication is key.  If the wife knows that the husband is actively leading, it makes submission a lot easier.  If there is doubt there, she will become nervous and be tempted to take the reigns.

As is proven true in all facets of life, God’s design for marriage is perfect.  We have introduced sin and selfishness into that design, and need to struggle daily to overcome that.

Final post in the discussion on a husband’s role in light of Ephesians 5: 25 – 33:

What does “feed and care for” look like in reality?  It is not a total denial of feeding and caring for yourself, but rather a requirement to do the same for your wife.  Paul puts it another way in Philippians 2:4 – “do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (NASB).  There are many ways we care for our own bodies.  Obviously, food is one, exercise, entertainment, pleasure, rest, relaxation, etc.  The way we stray from caring for our wives in this way, is when we put our own “needs” above that of our wives.  “Oh, she can take care of the kids tonight; I’ve had a hard day”.  Some reasons are even valid, but just misplaced: you need to exercise, so leave her to clean up or get the kids to bed.  Often a husband’s sexual advances, while definitely allowed and encouraged in a healthy marriage, can be done selfishly and without consideration of his wife.

All of this feeding and caring should not be done as an exchange of favors to satisfy each other’s perceived needs, but rather in the spirit of “making her holy, cleansing her…”  Our goal is not to keep her (or ourselves) happy, but to make us both better servants of Jesus Christ, set apart for his good work.  Ask yourself what needs do you have really?  What needs did Christ have as a man?  Again we can refer to Paul in 1 Tim. 6:8 – “But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.” (NIV)

Paul’s quotation of Genesis here in Ephesians (above) is an important one.  From creation of the first man and woman, the design was that the two would join together and become one.  This is a supernatural joining, that cannot be separated without much destruction to both.  You cannot neglect one part of your body and still be healthy.  In the same way, you cannot neglect your wife and expect to have a healthy marriage.  It may not be an easy habit to form, but we need to get better at always considering how we can nourish our wives and encourage their spiritual growth.

What is the relevance or importance of the analogy of marriage to Christ and the church?  It is hugely relevant and hugely important.  This is the reason God hates divorce.  The enemy loves destroying marriages, because it confuses and blurs the beautiful picture of the church as the bride and Christ as the bridegroom.  We can become cynical or shrug it off as just being nice imagery, instead of it adding clarity and perspective to our walk as believers.  He is our perfect lover, who will never leave us or forsake us…and this in spite of our own unfaithfulness to him.  He is also our provider, protector, and leader.  It is our daunting but vital responsibility to emulate his perfection in our marriages.