Impeccable Defense or Making Excuses
When confronted with conflict in marriage, our first reaction, especially as men, is to defend ourselves. We reason, plead our case, present evidence why she should not be hurt or upset, all to no avail. The truth is, logical or not, she is hurt or upset, and all the logic in the world will not “fix” her.
I would go so far as to say that in most cases, it doesn’t even matter if you are right in your defense. Leading with a defense sends a message of “you’re wrong to feel this way.” I’m not suggesting you roll over and play dead, or that you lie if accused of something you didn’t do. It’s more of a question of attitude.
For example, she throws out the often-heard “we’re just roommates” argument, meaning I’m bored with this butler and maid marriage. Immediately, a flood of reasons why this can’t be so come to your mind, and you rattle off all the things the two of you have done recently or maybe reasons why there hasn’t been time or money to get away.
Another example, she doesn’t like the idea of you having so many female friends on Facebook, and you seem to talk to them more than her. Well, this is absurd. After all, you provide for her, share the same bed, give the kids baths, and took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese on Saturday to give her a break.
The examples could be any mix of things from the miniscule to very serious. Even still, try leading with an attitude of grace, love, and compassion first, mix in your defense, but focus more on your concern that she is troubled. A great biblical example of responding with grace is from the Song of Solomon, chapter 5. Solomon comes knocking on his wife’s chamber and she replies with “I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?” Instead of getting all upset and lashing out or storming off, he places myrrh on the bolt. This display of tenderness and love, works to arouse her.
