Refining Marriage

Today’s post is directed more at the self-proclaimed Christian.  It can apply to all, but if you don’t subscribe to the principles of the Bible, then it will seem like foolishness to you.

It should be obvious to us that marital issues arise from sin, and from an inaccurate perspective.  We hear conflicting messages all around us: media, “experts”, friends, family, even in Christian circles. The latest trend in churches seems to be a Christian sexual revolution…that some how if you have an active sex life in your marriage, then you will magically have a good marriage.  That seems to be putting the cart before the horse, and doesn’t line up with the whole of Scripture.

If you are struggling in your marriage, take a look at yourself.  This is not to say your spouse has no room for improvement.  However, even if you are the victim of infidelity (for example) and did nothing wrong, the only person you can truly change is yourself.  Trying to change your spouse will only bring more frustration and conflict.

Things to consider:

1. Upon whom do you rely for joy? Do you find that you are on an emotional roller coaster?  When you and your spouse are getting along, then you feel good, but when things are bad, all hope is gone.  Paul talks about contentment, and I think it’s safe to say he wasn’t always comfortable or satisfied with his situation.  Some how, Paul found a way to be content in all circumstances, even in prison.  That tells me that joy and contentment need to be grounded in something unchangeable.  Paul had an eternal perspective, and no matter what any man did to him, he was content with the fact that one day he would be united with his Savior.  In our bumper sticker world, it’s easy to get cynical.  What does this look like in practice?  It means when your spouse annoys you, gets angry, is selfish, or if you’re just not in the mood to be cordial, you consider the grace God has shown you in paying your debt for sin.  You don’t have to be fake-happy and pretend life is perfect, but it will ground you and give you a perspective that enables you to endure the situation.  You show grace and love, because you have been shown grace and love by God.
2. What do we deserve, really? What does God owe us, and what kind of demands can we put on Him?  When put this way, it’s pretty easy to say “nothing”.  But when we complain about our circumstances, we are no different than the Israelites complaining about manna in the desert.  Are we, as Paul says in Romans, the clay talking back to the potter?  Or as in Job, were we there when God laid the earth’s foundation?  God has been infinitely gracious to us in providing a means for forgiveness.  “If we have food and clothing, we [should be] content with that” (1 Tim 6:8).  View your marriage, your expectations, your “needs”, and your spouse through the lens of our true condition before God.
3. Purify yourself. If you are struggling with addictions or distractions, find a way to rid yourself of them.  Addictions are fairly obvious ~ pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc.  Distractions would include working too much, friends taking priority over your spouse, TV, excessive exercise to the detriment of your marriage, spending money or shopping, or anything that provides a regular escape from the burden of your marriage.  Each of these only compounds the problem and drives a deeper wedge between you and your spouse.  They are escalating in nature because they do not fill the void inside that can only be filled by Christ; they only work to numb it for a little while.  Get help. Find other believers who will help you be accountable.

Even as I write this, it convicts me.  We can all stand to improve, to renew our minds each day.  Thank God for his grace, then let that motivate you to become more like Christ, and also to show the same grace to your spouse.