Refining Marriage

Continuing the discussion on a husband’s role in light of Ephesians 5: 25 – 33:

Many times as Christians we read a passage, even feel conviction, but applying that to reality can be tough.  What does it look like day to day in dealing with our wives to “wash her with the word”?  How do I “feed and care” for my wife? It makes her sound like a cute little furry animal.  As is often the case in Scripture, we look to surrounding verses for support.

How does a husband “wash with the word”?  Jesus did this for his bride, the church, in his teachings, his instructions, his physical service and healings, and of course in his death.  He did these things with an eternal perspective however.  He healed the paralytic so that they would know he had authority to forgive sins (Mark 2:10), not merely because he felt sorry for the man.  He washed his disciples; feet so they would mimic his act of service, not just so they would have clean feet for supper (John 13).  So we, in our service and care for our wives, do it with an eternal perspective.  How can I show love, encouragement, and appreciation to my wife in order to bring her closer to God?  My goal shouldn’t be to make her happy so she’ll stay off my case, or let me take the boat out.  My purpose should be how I can make it easier for her to glorify and honor God in her service, keeping in mind we are “one flesh” and both serving God as one.

Some will say you need to have a devotional together or a prayer time every night when you go to bed.  Others will say you need to have a date night once a week.  These are all fine things and every couple should determine for themselves what kinds of things work well for them.  I don’t subscribe to the theory that if you just do this or that, then you’ll have a great marriage.  I think it is a change that happens from the heart and is applied to all areas of your life.  For example, you equip yourself in the study of the Word, so that when your wife is struggling or frustrated with something, you are ready to provide examples of Scripture that may be helpful.  You be confident in God’s promises to provide the basics, and in doing so become a rock for her in times of want.  You be the one to be faithful in your devotional and prayer, leading the family spiritually, and it will encourage her to do the same.

So, “washing with the word” to me sounds like a daily, continual process where you saturate her in Scripture both by word and by example.  Err on the side of “by example”, so as not to become one who appears to be trying to take the speck out of her eye while not seeing the log in your own eye.  Don’t nag her with biblical commands, but rather lead, encourage, and always love graciously.  And know that this is an ongoing process that you will have to learn in a spirit of humility.

Final post to come…

One of the most direct passages on being a husband is Ephesians 5: 25 – 33:

We husbands tend to read this and get stuck on one of a couple points.  One is “gave himself up for her”.  We puff our chest and proclaim that if anyone ever came into our house we’d die to save our wives, and rightfully so.  However, I think that doesn’t go far enough given the context surrounding that statement.  The other point we focus on is in our providing for our families.  We like to think that going to work every day and bring home the bacon as it were is some kind of giving up of ourselves for her.  That we sacrifice in that way so she can have a new couch and nice clothes.  These things are not bad things, and obviously that is part of our responsibility, but it only scratches the surface of fulfilling our role as defined in this passage.

Much of the surrounding text talks about service – Christ’s giving of himself and purifying us through his word, how the husband feeds and cares for his own body, and how these concepts apply to his responsibilities to his wife.  So, taking a bullet for your wife is one thing, giving up yourself to a lifetime of service to your wife is something else altogether.  We should feed care for our wives, just as we look after our own bodies.  Obviously this is more than just the physical; this implies (given the reference to Christ and the church) a spiritual nourishing as well, with the ultimate goal being purification.

We should not do these things conditionally, or with any expectation of returned favors from our wives.  Just as Christ does not conditionally love the church, and he did not only give himself up for her as long as we are blameless, neither should we only fulfill our responsibilities as husbands if our wives treat us a certain way.

More to come on this…

I was reading a thread in a marriage forum last night, and it really amazes me how so many people enter into marriage casually and blindly.  I can relate.  I wouldn’t say I entered it casually, but I just didn’t have a clue at the time what it would take to sustain a healthy marriage.

On the forum though, this guy, after one year of marriage, starts by saying “I love my wife with all I have”.  He goes on to say how his wife is needy, OCD, and lazy, that she never cleans house or keeps up with her responsibilities.  He says when they fight they really go at it, yelling and with such intensity that they are “ready to slam each other against the wall”.  Finally, he finishes with how he’s living his own “personal hell” and how he’s had to give up all these hobbies and interests for “THIS”.  He advises others to not have children until they are “sure of each other personalities”, and “It’s great to have kids…but the way they zap your independence, sexual intimacy, free time, ambitious endeavors, and sleep in general is not healthy for the man who wishes he could live life a bit more.”

So, I’m thinking to myself, what possible advice can I give this guy? Then it hit me, save the grace of God, there is no hope for him.  He has totally been given over to selfishness and sin.  Most people can at least be a little self-less when it comes to their kids, but even that is too constricting for his big ambition.  Why did he ever get married?

To anyone reading this who is considering marriage, realize that marriage is a life-altering commitment.  You cease to be yourself and you become one person with your spouse.  So, if you are so ambitious and independent that you will be a caged animal, then don’t get married.  Paul even suggested this, but for the purpose of serving in ministry, not serving yourself.  Biblically, this means you shouldn’t be having sex either, but that’s another topic for another day.  Don’t just enter marriage to justify your sexual appetite. Nor should you do it to increase the ante and keep your partner from growing frustrated at your lack of commitment.  Marriage will only complicate an already troubled situation.

To anyone reading this thinking “that’s me”.  God help you.  Pray right now that he will remove the blinders from your eyes and give you a spirit of humility.  Is being independent and living for yourself really all it’s cracked up to be? Think in an eternal perspective, what is all this “ambition” and “freedom” going to get you?  You will never be satisfied and will live your life always searching and seeking, creating a wake of destruction in your path.  One day, you will wake up at an old age and wonder what it was all for and if there is any real purpose in life.  Consider the joy of loving and serving others…selflessly.

When confronted with conflict in marriage, our first reaction, especially as men, is to defend ourselves.  We reason, plead our case, present evidence why she should not be hurt or upset, all to no avail.  The truth is, logical or not, she is hurt or upset, and all the logic in the world will not “fix” her.

I would go so far as to say that in most cases, it doesn’t even matter if you are right in your defense.  Leading with a defense sends a message of “you’re wrong to feel this way.”  I’m not suggesting you roll over and play dead, or that you lie if accused of something you didn’t do.  It’s more of a question of attitude.

For example, she throws out the often-heard “we’re just roommates” argument, meaning I’m bored with this butler and maid marriage.  Immediately, a flood of reasons why this can’t be so come to your mind, and you rattle off all the things the two of you have done recently or maybe reasons why there hasn’t been time or money to get away.

Another example, she doesn’t like the idea of you having so many female friends on Facebook, and you seem to talk to them more than her.  Well, this is absurd.  After all, you provide for her, share the same bed, give the kids baths, and took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese on Saturday to give her a break.

The examples could be any mix of things from the miniscule to very serious.  Even still, try leading with an attitude of grace, love, and compassion first, mix in your defense, but focus more on your concern that she is troubled.  A great biblical example of responding with grace is from the Song of Solomon, chapter 5.  Solomon comes knocking on his wife’s chamber and she replies with “I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?”  Instead of getting all upset and lashing out or storming off, he places myrrh on the bolt.  This display of tenderness and love, works to arouse her.

“Honey, I’m home!”  Hat goes on the hook, briefcase on the floor, keys on the table, and butt on the sofa.  Ahhh…home at last.  What I could use now is a cold drink and a newspaper to unwind from the stresses of the day while the wife gets dinner on the table.

Clearly, this is a picture more applicable to 20 years ago, and in today’s world of dual income families it definitely takes on a different form.  However, the basic concept is the “what about me” attitude, where one exhausted spouse claims a right to come home and retreat to solitude, while the other is required to serve the needs of the family.

One lesson I had to learn (with plenty of room for improvement!) is that it’s not so much that my wife needs constant help and wants me to wait on her hand and foot, rather it’s that she wants to know she is appreciated.  Sometimes, a simple “what can I do to help?” will send a message that you see how hard she is working and that you care enough about her to offer to help.  She may not even have anything for you to do at that moment, but maybe what’s really needed is just the adult interaction after listening to kid-chatter all day.  Chances are, there was probably a time in your relationship when all you wanted to do was be around her.

It’s a worn-out argument, but often it really is more draining to be a stay-at-home mom than it is to go to an office or job all day.  At a job, there are friends, support, breaks, rewards, drama, excitement, team involvement, etc.  At home, it’s typically just her “against” the kids, and the little birdies are constantly chirping and needing. 

Regardless, it doesn’t really matter whose job is more difficult.  Truth is, life is hard and there’s a reason the Bible is constantly teaching on perseverance, faith, contentment, etc.  It’s a struggle.  There’s also a reason God said “it is not good for man to be alone.”  We can compliment each other greatly, and ease the burdens we carry, but only if we work together to truly love each other selflessly.  Yes, maybe it requires more of you physically to come home from a frustrating commute and not sit on your butt, however, the rewards in building a better marriage are greater and last longer than your 15 minutes of “decompression”.

Today’s post is directed more at the self-proclaimed Christian.  It can apply to all, but if you don’t subscribe to the principles of the Bible, then it will seem like foolishness to you.

It should be obvious to us that marital issues arise from sin, and from an inaccurate perspective.  We hear conflicting messages all around us: media, “experts”, friends, family, even in Christian circles. The latest trend in churches seems to be a Christian sexual revolution…that some how if you have an active sex life in your marriage, then you will magically have a good marriage.  That seems to be putting the cart before the horse, and doesn’t line up with the whole of Scripture.

If you are struggling in your marriage, take a look at yourself.  This is not to say your spouse has no room for improvement.  However, even if you are the victim of infidelity (for example) and did nothing wrong, the only person you can truly change is yourself.  Trying to change your spouse will only bring more frustration and conflict.

Things to consider:

1. Upon whom do you rely for joy? Do you find that you are on an emotional roller coaster?  When you and your spouse are getting along, then you feel good, but when things are bad, all hope is gone.  Paul talks about contentment, and I think it’s safe to say he wasn’t always comfortable or satisfied with his situation.  Some how, Paul found a way to be content in all circumstances, even in prison.  That tells me that joy and contentment need to be grounded in something unchangeable.  Paul had an eternal perspective, and no matter what any man did to him, he was content with the fact that one day he would be united with his Savior.  In our bumper sticker world, it’s easy to get cynical.  What does this look like in practice?  It means when your spouse annoys you, gets angry, is selfish, or if you’re just not in the mood to be cordial, you consider the grace God has shown you in paying your debt for sin.  You don’t have to be fake-happy and pretend life is perfect, but it will ground you and give you a perspective that enables you to endure the situation.  You show grace and love, because you have been shown grace and love by God.
2. What do we deserve, really? What does God owe us, and what kind of demands can we put on Him?  When put this way, it’s pretty easy to say “nothing”.  But when we complain about our circumstances, we are no different than the Israelites complaining about manna in the desert.  Are we, as Paul says in Romans, the clay talking back to the potter?  Or as in Job, were we there when God laid the earth’s foundation?  God has been infinitely gracious to us in providing a means for forgiveness.  “If we have food and clothing, we [should be] content with that” (1 Tim 6:8).  View your marriage, your expectations, your “needs”, and your spouse through the lens of our true condition before God.
3. Purify yourself. If you are struggling with addictions or distractions, find a way to rid yourself of them.  Addictions are fairly obvious ~ pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc.  Distractions would include working too much, friends taking priority over your spouse, TV, excessive exercise to the detriment of your marriage, spending money or shopping, or anything that provides a regular escape from the burden of your marriage.  Each of these only compounds the problem and drives a deeper wedge between you and your spouse.  They are escalating in nature because they do not fill the void inside that can only be filled by Christ; they only work to numb it for a little while.  Get help. Find other believers who will help you be accountable.

Even as I write this, it convicts me.  We can all stand to improve, to renew our minds each day.  Thank God for his grace, then let that motivate you to become more like Christ, and also to show the same grace to your spouse.

This oft-quoted line is given as a piece of marital advice to those who are in a struggling marriage. It is usually well-intentioned friends or family, but is more destructive and misguided than you would think. Why do we, particularly Americans, put so much stock in “being happy”? Does it profit us anything? Does it bring safety, security, wealth, love? Of course, everyone wants to be happy, and has a built-in desire for contentment and peace. But fill that inner longing with a mate at your own risk.

Happiness is fleeting, and what satisfies today will not be sufficient tomorrow. Take your favorite millionaire, or even billionaire…they often die in want. It’s never enough. The same is true in a spouse. Marital combatants often throw out the argument that their spouse has changed, they are no longer the person they fell in love with. Change in a person is inevitable, and if your spouse never changed, then the argument would be that there is no growth or maturity.

The truth is, what has most likely changed is your feelings of affection for each other. The fire has gone from a roaring passion to a smoldering bed of coals. We have developed whole industries on listening to our feelings, following our hearts. In a marriage covenant, this is a ticking time bomb. Feelings of passion, enthusiasm, romance, etc. are an exciting part of marriage, especially at the beginning. However, they should not form the foundation upon which you build your marriage.

Marriage is a covenant of unconditional promises. The love required to sustain a marriage, is the Biblical version:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

- 1 Corinthians 13

Most of us have heard this passage, many of us even had it quoted at our own weddings. Yet, most people do not subscribe to it as a literal definition, but more as an outward expression of how we felt toward each other at the time. We will not perform it perfectly, but would do well to re-examine how we measure up to each attribute. Your marriage will be stronger for it.

Welcome to Refining Marriage, a blog intended to provide help to married people. Getting married is one of the biggest events in a person’s life, yet it can bring such heartache and desolation. Just as there is order in the universe, and often times right and wrong ways to go about something, there are right and wrong ways to look at marriage. When a husband and wife base their marriage on a shaky foundation, then that foundation will crack and crumble over the weight that the years add.

As I read forums on the subject, it’s painfully clear that so many people are blindly navigating these waters, grasping at whatever advice they receive that sounds decent. Marriage can be a burden that siphons away the joy from your life, or it can be a pillar of strength that builds your character and brings true contentment and stability.

I firmly believe that to have a healthy marriage, husband and wife have to apply the concepts and principles found in the Bible. This is truly the foundation of a great marriage. If your marriage is grounded on the love you feel for each other, then that house will not stand when those feelings change. Sure, many people have functional marriages, and may even enjoy parts of it and still have feelings for each other. In general, however, it is not a marriage that brings joy and contentment with life. It either adds stress to life, or both spouses learn to just stay busy enough that the only time they spend together is on weekend getaways to reconnect.

God is the author of marriage, and His Word tells us how to have true joy and peace, in spite of a life filled with difficulty and stress. You can choose to blow it off as an ancient collection of stories written by people who didn’t know all the “chemistry” behind attraction and “love”. Or, you can take a step toward refining your marriage, and begin to discover, like I did, that there really is something to the Wisdom of Biblical principles.